Realization [Really Long]

So this account has basically being on hiatus for almost a year now...

I did mention how I was bothered by a lot of events and such and kinda discouraged me a bit from drawing new stuffs. I did in fact drew many drafts,but I never brought myself into finishing them...

Originally I thought I would be able to draw more/more often after I came back from China, but obviously that hasn't been the case lately.

So I was thinking to myself:

-Is it because I'm out of ideas?
=No, in fact, I have a HUGE list of ideas and imagines.

-Was it because those unhappy events?
=I don't think so...I kinda got over them.

-Am I just tired of drawing?
=No, I still love to draw!

-Were College works any problems?
espite the fact that there are a lot of works, I've always found many time that I can slack off and draw before.

Then what seems to be the problem???

Until it all came to me today-the reason why I didn't finish any drawings or posting them here.It must be something I didn't want to admit, that's must be why it was hidden so deeply.

"I am not confident.I am nervous.I am afraid."

Although I type understandable English/Chinese/Japanese etc on the net,I will get extremely nervous and speak gibberish in front of people that I don't know very well.Because I think people will think I'm weird and not talk to me after they hear my gibberish,that's why I almost never talked in school and just sits at the corner quietly.If someone talked to me, I would get nervous and only respond in 2-3 words,quietly...So how does that relate to the subject?Well...that's just to show you how nervous I really am in real life.Heck, even when replying to a comment/note online will get me nervous!

So about the drawings, it's the same problem.
I thought it will be good if I were to seek out for a "teacher" in the furry community to teach me/pick out the problems in my drawings. He helped me out a lot I was really eager to try somethings out, until I realized that the "teachings" were a double-edged sword.
I looked at my past unfinished drawings that I planned to finish and found many flaws...such as the proportions,scale,anatomy,color,face,structures in general.
At first I was like "okay, I will just redrawn from zero", but the same problems kept appearing, even after I looked up tutorials and such it still persists. So I kept scraping and scraping and ultimately, no drawings done, because I was not satisfied no matter how many corrections I've made and how many things/designs I drew...Because I see them as "not passable". I've paid way too much attentions on them even though fixing them is way pass my ability...

I was looking through my old pics and found the really REALLY old drawings I've done. I remembered that I was actually proud of them back then, so proud to the fact that I showed them to my friends in real life!Even tho they were the wrong people, but I still showed them regardless, because I was happy about it! Looking at those drawings now, they looks like they were drawn by a try-hard 10 years old. I read through the descriptions and see that I actually pointed out some problems and said I will try my best to improve on the next drawing, even tho I don't see the problems fixed in the next drawing.However, these drawings just kept coming out! Almost Monthly even.So why is that?

Then I realized that I've actually gone off track from my original reason to draw. I've been finding ways to fix problems and trying to create a "brag-able" drawing, which is why I never finish those sketches that I deemed "not passable".
That is just not right.
My original reason for drawing was simply because, I want to see them. I want to see my characters. I want to draw them so that my characters can have a form, not just imaginations. Then I wanted to draw them in different scenarios/events, so they can live,have emotions, have characteristics. I've always lived an introvert life, that's why I wish my characters can live in a more happy/interesting life.That's also why I've created Gnim, so that he could live in that world in place of me.
In short, I just wanted to give my characters a life that they can live to the fullest.

But anger and jealousy got the best of me for the past years.I've witnessed many unfair things in the circle I've been in. There's too many artists that got recognized by the community because they draw really good,even I appreciate their artworks. But everyone seems to look past the fact they are actually, horrible people,horrible thinking,horrible personality, just horrible. Many "fans" just became huge suck ups and just agrees with everything they say without any questions, just for a chance to be their friend so that they can brag about being friend with a famous artist and maybe the small possibility of getting free art.Those artists would also take advantages of others, because of their fame,they can.I've seen those, I've been seeing these for years.There's even some artists that drew wayyy worse, yet they still get recognized because they "do stuffs" with their viewers. They have way too much power.

That's why I wanted to improve my drawings, improve them to the point that I can be on the same skill level as them,or even surpass them. To be recognized. That way, I might be able to change people's mind, and possibly make them able to see what is right and what is wrong.
Ironically, I realized today that my own thinking was wrong.

The skills those artists have are the real deal, and they weren't born with those skills, they had to train them. They too might have been drawing horrible drawings before, and they too climbed the ladder bit by bit, until they reached the point that they have the right to claim that "power". So for me,who kept being scared of claiming higher bit by bit and show people my flaws and bad works, has no right to complain.

I was afraid, afraid to show people my mistakes. I was afraid of making my watchers on FA/DA/Pixiv disappoint. I was afraid of letting them know that this is the best I can do for my drawing and seeing them leave in disappointment or not looking forward to my next drawing and such."This is the best this artist can do?""Next drawing will just be the same crap again." I was afraid. Afraid of getting critiques, acknowledge them, then still not meeting their expectations no matter how hard I try.

But the comments...they have been encouraging them...why have I been ignoring them? There are people who still views and favs my work, so why do I stop? I've received and replied many good comments, I've received so many good critiques...So many people supporting me...

To all my watchers, Thank you. I truly, truly Thank you for all the supports... And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry about all this... I shouldn't block you guys from seeing my problems and weaknesses. This is life. All people have problems. All people makes mistakes. All people has weaknesses that they can't help with.

All these time, I've been focusing on the wrong thing...I've been working towards the wrong goal...I focused so much that it made me forgot about by original,true goal...This is just too pathetic...
 
I also want to say sorry to...my characters. I am sorry. I am sorry because I've grown jealous towards those artists, that I've made you guys suffer with me...I've grown "power hungry",and made you guys my "guinea pigs"for experiments...I made you guys wait for the life that you deserved long ago...

I'm going to do things that I should have been doing since long time ago.

Can you all, forgive me...?